Empty Room Reflections

Tonight I'm sitting in an empty apartment.  After 3 years its hard to say goodbye.  This was my first place (that I didn't have to share).  It's been an apartment of discovery.  I've discovered what I like and what I don't like.   And how to say no....loudly.  It's been my refugee in the midst of difficulty and disappointment.

As I packed my boxes I have wept.  When I moved back to the states 3 years ago I expected to find community and healing.  And while I found a lot of healing I didn't find community.  Don't get me wrong I did see community and I've met people here with great communities; however, this round peg couldn't seem to fit in a square hole.  I tried so hard to fit that I cracked.  Dejected I crawled away.  Eventually, I stumbled upon a small group of people who loved and encouraged me for 10 weeks.  They helped me to find my faith again.  (And interestingly enough not one of them is a believer.) As I entered the new year I had no idea what was next and I wasn't sure I wanted to.

Then a few weeks ago an opportunity opened up in a country I've lived in before on a small island off the coast.  And all I wanted to do was get on a plane and go, but I said no... for a long list of reasons.  But life can change in a moment.  I stepped onto a boat 2 weeks ago thinking the answer was no and stepped off 18 minutes later knowing the answer was yes.  For the next week a few "lucky" people heard me agonize over the decision.  And every time after I laid out why I shouldn't go they would smile and say it sounds like you're going.

When I first pulled into this place 3 years ago I thought I was going to discover life with others, but what I discovered was something quite different.  All of that to say once my visa is processed (hopefully quickly) I will be boarding on a plane and flying back to the other side of the world for the foreseeable future.