Only God

*For anyone who struggles with infertility please know this could be a trigger post.*

Almost one year ago to the day I unveiled a long held secret to the internet.  For years I had fought on whether or not that was something I would share with the world.  Finally  I decided I may as well get it over with now as nothing is going to change.  Emotionally it was painful, but through sharing I found a certain peace that had previously been elusive. 

Which meant… I was completely unprepared to hear my doctor say “I don’t see any reason why now you won’t one day get pregnant.”  I almost fell over.  Only God.  Only God.  It’s been a ride roller coaster ever since.  On one hand I am truly ecstatic with this hope.  Truly! On the other hand I have this incredible guilt.  Why me?  Why not Megan? Natalie and Kayla are and would be such better mothers.  Um hello I’m single and we know I will be 200 before I meet someone why not Tyler, Rachel, or Heidi?  I have 5 pages of questions and arguments, but do not worry I will spare you ;)

And most importantly why did I have to tell the internet?  It’s messy.  (Case in point: if one more person tells me “now you don’t have to worry about fostering or adopting” know that yes that is actual smoke pouring out from my ears.)

Thankfully a few years ago a wise person prepared me for this season.  They told me to remember that being healed does not negate the pain.  It just means the story might be headed in a different direction.  And that all of it the good, the bad, and the ugly will need to be processed.  Yesterday I ate cheesecake.  Today I am starting to process.  I may share bits and pieces of this journey here or I may not.  Thank you to all who have prayed for me, cried with me, and supported me as I have wrestled on this journey.  I always treasure your willingness to be present in the muck!


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