When a Secret is No Longer a Secret

Over the past few years I have sat down a thousand times to write the opening to this post.  And I just can not seem to find the words.  Questions run through my mind.  Am I really going to share my private life with the world?  Is this really what I am suppose to do?  Where do I start?  How is my life going to look once I do this? 

I do not know the answer to many of these questions, but I do know that there is someone out there that needs to read this series.  To that person this is for you.  He loves you more than you can ever imagine and your life will never be the same, but you do not have to go through this alone.

It was the May after my last semester on campus.  I sat silently in the doctors office waiting for her to speak.  She rolled her chair across the floor until she was right in front of me.  She looked me straight in the eyes and broke the news that it was very unlikely that I would ever be able to have children.  The pain was indescribable.  I felt crushed and paralyzed and wondered if I would ever recover. 

Somehow I made it back to my car with a stack of pamphlets on infertility. I numbingly began to flip through and soon realized that every single one was for couples.  And I finally lost it.  I was completely alone and I had no idea what to do.  At first I told no one.  Nights were spent scouring the internet desperate for anything written for women who were both *infertile and single.  There was nothing.  My journey thus far has been a roller coaster and I imagine it will continue to be one. 

Over and over again I have cried out to God about the lack of resources for women who are single and infertile.  I never expected that I would end up being a small voice for this crowd.  Today is my first day as that voice.

I am going to start a series writing (hopefully much better than this mess of a post) about my journey of faith, infertility, and singleness.  Hopefully you will come back and check it out.  For those of you that don’t struggle with this particular combination I think you will find there is something there for you as well!


*Technically to be labeled infertile you have to have tried to have a child for at least one year.  I have chosen to still use the word infertile in my posts in hopes that others (especially singles) who have been told that they can not have children are able to find this blog.  Please let me know if you think there is a better word to use.

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