He loves me....He loves me not...

The other day I started reading a sample of Mark Batterson’s book Circle Maker.  Several pages in I came across this quote:

‎"It is absolutely imperative at the outset that you come to terms with this simple yet life-changing truth: God is for you."

I stopped.  Read it again.

‎"It is absolutely imperative at the outset that you come to terms with this simple yet life-changing truth: God is for you." 

Then I closed my computer and stared into the dark.  Reading the rest of that book would not do me any good.  Why?  Because I did not believe God was for me.  I do not believe God is for me.  I do not know if I have ever believed that. 

I have tried to believe that he is for me.  I have pretended like I thought that he was for me.  Occasionally I even thought he was for me, but 99% of the time I have not believed that he is for me.  And is it even important whether or not he loves me?  Isn't it more important that he be glorified and I fade...

Do I believe God exists? Absolutely. There is not a doubt in my mind, but I do not believe he loves me. 

I am being brutally and painfully honest…with myself and with you.

Those verses about God loving.  I have hung them over my room.  I have read them multiple times a day.  I have said I choose to believe these even if I do not feel they are true.  I have confessed believing lies.  I have asked God to reveal truth to me.  I have begged.  I have pleaded.  I have shed many a tear.  And no I still do not seem to believe.  I have prayed.  I have asked for prayers.  I have recorded lists of things for which to be thankful.  I have praised.  I have sat still.  I have waited.  I have listed out sins... and several years later I still do not believe God loves me.

So that's where I am today.  Broken.  Hurt. Bleeding.  Bottom.  Leper. Unclean. Unusable.  Hanging onto a thread of Jesus' hem begging him to not turn me away.  Pleading with him to cleanse me of my sins.  

And trying to make it one more day.

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