40 Days

Document: “…put [information] into some relatively permanent form so that it can be retrieved later.”

Surprise!  I’m back!  Big surprise I know, but seriously I would rather not be writing right now.  Instead I would like to run off … preferably to the mountains and never lay sight on technology again; however, I do not think that is what I am supposed to do.  In September I felt called to document the next season of my life.  At that point in time living in Togo was supposed to be the next season of my life.  So when I returned to the United States I stopped writing publicly. 

After being home for a few weeks I came across a scrap of paper where I had written down this: “document this next season of your life.”  I paused and read it again: “document this next season of your life.”  It did not say document my experiences in Togo, it said document the next season of my life.  By this time my stomach was in knots and my faces mirrored my discomfort.  This “next season” was not pretty.  It was dark and grimy.  But it did not say document the good or the pretty.  It said document the next season.

Another week or two passes and I begin to realize that it is one of those “jump off a super high diving board where you can not go back and you are not sure if you are going to land on water or land because you do not know what is below” moments.  So after much delay I am jumping off.  I am going to document this season.  I am going to try to tell the story in these next set of blog posts.  First, I will begin with a brief summary to set the stage. 

It was undoubtedly the worst experience of my life.  It was a dark dark time.  I felt abandoned by quite a number of people, but more importantly I felt abandoned by God.  Loneliness that had been slowly rising for quite some time skyrocketed to new heights.  At times days and days would go by before I would even see another person.  I shed more tears in those days then I thought possible.  Every day was a desperate fight.  Never in my life had I experienced such intensity of negative emotion.  And yet somehow in the midst of it all God found a way to draw me closer to him.  It is still messy.  It is still dark.  However, there are moments however small where I dare to hope that one day life will change.  And I am still lonely and I still pray all too often that he will physically rescue me from this place, but he hasn’t given up on me yet…at least I don’t think he has…

“Jesus, I've forgotten the words that You have spoken
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim…
Forgive me for my unbelief. Renew the fire again”
~Lord Have Mercy

No comments:

Post a Comment